Steven Jones

Steven Jones. Steve. Mr. Jones. Stevie. But never Stephen...

It's not a very nice name, is it?
Stephen is a nice British name. You hear about people like Stephen Fry, who are elegant Britons. Steven is a crude American name, and Steve is a miserably common crude American name. My parents? Well, they're Julie and John. Yeah, my dad is John Jones. Through some miracle, his dad was even lazier than him. I just wish they had tried a little harder than Steven frickin Jones. I want a name that when you're on the phone, you don't even bother to pronounce. You know perfectly well they won't understand it, so you just go straight to spelling it. I can't spell Steven. People look at me funny and say, well why didn't you just say "Stephen with a 'V'?"

Because it's a shitty name, is why.

Name changes
I thought about a name change, but you would not believe the amount of paperwork they make you go through. Worse still, I've just gone and created the Steven Jones Wiki. I don't think this stupid site lets you change your wiki's name after the fact. I should've gotten myself a pseudonym, one of those ridiculous internet aliases that everyone uses. StevenJones is taken on Twitter anyway, so I would have to, unless I wanted to be StevenJones2009 or something. And I don't. But people's usernames or handles or whatever you want to call them are just so stupid. TidusZidaneSpark343? Dude, you managed to rip off three fucking video games in one single name. I see two Final Fantasy games AND a Halo character in that god awful mess.

But what would my real life name be? Will it be difficult to pronounce? Difficult to spell? Some people used to call me "raceaholic", for all the time I spent with my car on the track. They got the wrong "holic", though. Maybe it's a good thing that in the court records, I'm just Steven. Nobody remembers a Steven, and nobody at the clinic can remember much of anything. That ghost of a name keeps me safe.

Maybe dad knew that's how things would go. After all, he'd been in front of a judge so many times, and he always got off easy. Nobody remembers a John Jones...except me.